Knocking On Doors – Not What You Expect

One of the really great things about following someone’s blog is that you actually learn about them as a person. Through the sharing of life experiences, we actually get to know about what makes people tic… and toc. This is one of those moments.

I spent twenty years of my life as a death investigator. Yes, CSI/Quincy sort of stuff. As a Deputy Coroner, I investigated and determined the cause and manner of hundreds of people’s demise. Natural, accident, homicide and suicide. Those are the only classifications existing as to the “manner” of a death. Well, and the “unknowns/undetermined”. I investigated all of these.

I began this journey in my life in January of 1988. A few days later, I was standing over the body of a sixteen year old kid who was the younger brother of a very good high school friend. He had been killed in an auto collision. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was about to throw my badge and ID into the nearby field and say, “Screw this”. But I didn’t. I stuck with it. It was difficult. I went through the entire process of scene investigation, interviewing a few witnesses, photos, scene sketches, body recovery, autopsy, funeral and going to the family’s house after the funeral.

My high school friend saw me at the hospital the night of the incident and came up to me crying and kept apologizing to me. I was confused because I had no clue why he was apologetic to me. He said he was sorry that I had to go through this the situation. Well, that certainly didn’t help in my efforts to try to maintain composure. It wasn’t about me. This family suffered a tremendous loss and here he was apologizing to me. Talk about a heart of gold.

On another mid-Summer day several years later, I was called out on another auto collision involving a death. This gentleman had lost control, driven off the road and through a sign encased in concrete block and stone and flipped a few times. He was dead on the scene.

Through the scene investigation and a few phone calls we discovered that the deceased had an elderly father at home. A Sheriff’s Deputy and myself drove over to the father’s residence to give notification of the death. Both of us were dreading the knock but somebody had to do it. Seven raps on the door. No response. Seven more knocks, but a little harder. Still no response. Now, we are looking into windows and seeing some movement inside the house. Finally, the old man made his way to the front door. He had slowly gone to the back door because that is where he thought the knock originated. It just took him a while to get back to the front of the house as his later years had slowed him down quite a bit. Picture Tim Conway as that “old guy” character on Carol Burnett. Yeah, that slow.

The man looked at me (in plain clothes) and at the uniformed Deputy Sheriff as if we were from another planet. I began the process of asking questions to determine if we were in the right spot and talking with the right man. After introducing myself and the Deputy, my first question was, “Is there anyone else here with you?” He said he was alone at the moment but he was waiting for his son to return from running errands. The man spoke slowly and with a hint of confusion in his voice. I believe that was his normal state.

I asked his son’s name. He told me. It matched the name of the occupant of the car. I asked what make and model of car his son drives. That matched too.

I knew I was quickly approaching the time that I would just have to tell the man that his son wasn’t coming home, ever. I had all of the information and confirmation that I needed. I took a deep breath and explained to him what had happened. I still had not said that his son was dead. Blurting that out was not my style. When a Sheriff and a Coroner come knocking on the door, most of the time you don’t have to even say much about what, only who.

This man wasn’t catching on. He would listen, nod, answer questions but still was not picking up on exactly what was going on. Finally, I just had to spell it out for him. I told him that his son had an accident and was killed in the wreck. There. Done. I told him. But he still didn’t get it. He looked at me and asked, “You say he’s dead?”

I said, “Yes, Sir. I’m sorry. He’s dead.”

We went through this over a dozen times. I had given these types of notifications many, many times. But never this many times in one visit. The Sheriff had gone outside to make calls to try to get somebody there at the house to be with this man. There was no way we were leaving him there alone. We had asked him over and over if there was someone we could call to come to be with him and he kept asking, “You say he’s dead?” It was heart breaking.

Finally, a neighbor walked over and ask what was going on. Normally, the nosey neighbors are a pain in the rear, but this worked out very well. The neighbor offered to stay with the man until the old man’s daughter could arrive in about two hours. I verified with the father of the deceased that he knew and trusted his neighbor. He did, so all was well there.

Three and a half hours after our initial knock on the door we were leaving the man’s house. He still hadn’t gotten it. I thanked the neighbor over and over for offering his assistance. We left.

Are you familiar with the statement, “That which does not kill us only makes us stronger”? Well, need I say more? GO DO!™

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An Embrace – More Than Just A Hug

I have a wonderful friend in Minnesota who, every time we see one another, I hug. When I say every time, I mean every time. If we have just hugged and we go our separate ways and then a couple of hours later we see one another again, yes, we hug again.

We do phone hugs, cyber hugs and even written hugs. Are we crazy? Some would say so. I sort of thought that had already been established and well documented.

While sitting in the airport in Pittsburgh, PA and I heard a voice yell out my name. I turned around and there she was, steadily traveling (while standing still) on a moving sidewalk (and standing to the right to allow those wishing to walk to do so safely on the left) making her way through the airport at double the speed to catch her flight back home. Without any hesitation at all, I got up, ran to her and while running along with the pace of the moving sidewalk, we embraced. During the hug she reminded me that I was crazy. This we knew.

It’s our thing. We support one another. The hug is as strong as the strongest of words that one could say to another in an effort to let them know just how much we care. We both know that. Yet, it’s a simple hug.

It’s a funny thing because when we see one another and we begin walking toward one another in preparation for the upcoming embrace, we both know that there are a few rules to the method of the hug. We must both lean slightly toward the right with arms stretched outward sort of like the wings of an airplane. The lean to the right enables us to connect our hearts during the actual contact/hug portion of this event. Our arms are opposite (up/down) so there is no collision of the wings, so to speak.

The power of this hug is beyond what either of us could describe to you in words. It stems from a moment of recognition that she needed that little boost at a particular moment in her life and there I was. So I gave her a hug. Then another. Then another. Now it is to the point of every time we see one another, she gets a hug. But so do I!

Realize also that we are only in the same places at the same times about three times a year. Those are the only times that the physical hug takes place. The emails, phone calls and cards occur on a regular basis. I haven’t asked but I would be willing to bet that she feels the same way that I do. Be it an actual physical, in person hug or one that is emailed, written or spoken, it’s just as powerful.

Who have you hugged today? GO DO!™

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Step It Up… Goal Setting 101

Where are you now? Where do you want to be? What activity will get you from point A to point B? Sounds simple, but it will require some work. There is a lot of self evaluation necessary to begin taking the “steps” toward reaching your goal(s).

Let’s look at the “where are you now” part. This first evaluation is crucial in identifying your starting point. Just like Dorothy had a definitive starting point with the yellow brick road, you also have a precise point where you would start the change required to succeed.

It’s often that first step that we are afraid to take. But how many times in your life have you taken that first step and then realized, “hey, this isn’t as bad as I suspected”? Exactly! Yet, we keep putting ourselves through this same process over and over and over. Why? It is because we are human. What can we do about that?

One of the crucial parts about a self-evaluation is self-honesty. We must be honest with and about ourselves and truly make the evaluation something from which we will grow. Going easy on ourselves for the sake of taking the easy route may be counterproductive. Buckle down and be blunt. Lay it all out there. You will make progress as a result.

So, defining where you are now is completed. Now what? Step two is defining where you want to be. Set SMART goals. Set goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely.

Many people overlook the fact that they set goals every day and achieve them every day. We all do this consistently, but often neglect the short term and long term goals that we really need in order to gain success.

When we make that list of things to do for the day, we are setting goals. Expand on that. Create your list for a few days, weeks, months, even a couple of years out. Plan your course and work to stay on it in a timely fashion. Goals that we write down and review on a regular basis are more likely to actually get achieved.

Now, compare where you now are with where you want to be and begin to make the changes in your life that need to be changed in order for you to reach your goals. Viola! This will take constant monitoring, reviewing and adapting as you work your way through the process. Stick with it! Without any question whatsoever, you will be pushed outside of your comfort zone. Expect that. Stay focused and work through it.

Remember also that you can always keep adding goals to your list. Your list is adjustable. Life creates changes in our paths so adjust accordingly, but avoid making changes just because it is an easy thing to do. The idea is to grow in all aspects of your life.

As you cross items off of your list, add more that will create even more growth. It becomes easier as you GO DO!™.

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BUT... Changing Directions with Tact

“But” signifies a change in direction. Often the opposite direction. Have you ever said, “Yeah, but”? You are doing this, BUT you would rather do that. You see this, BUT you would have rather seen something else. You just heard this, BUT you have a totally opposite viewpoint.

I propose that we waste too much valuable time focusing on “buts”. There is no pun here. Really.

We each have our own ideas of what we believe to be valuable and not valuable. With that, comes the buts in our lives. Differences of opinion. Differences in the approach to resolve an issue. Differences in how much passion we posses which drives us to achieving those things in our lives that we want to achieve.

The buts get in the way. The buts create more conversation which takes more time because now we are probably engaged in somewhat of a debate about the topic. I’m not against debate. It’s healthy. We learn from debating. We grow as a result. I’m speaking more along the lines of when we know something works yet others want to “yeah but” it to death, that’s when it becomes frustrating and creates obstacles that now create a delay in the success of the larger goal.

Some things we just have to trust will work. Especially when so many others have achieved such success with a process. Even though it requires work to be done, we must still do that work in order to reach the goal.

This is neither rocket surgery nor brain science. Yeah, I know.

If you are engaged in conversation with someone and you say, “yeah but” it immediately says to them that you are about to take an opposing view. Perhaps a kinder and gentler way of digging deeper into this conversation would be to just ask a few questions without using the word “but”. Questions like, “Can you explain that in more detail?” or “How has that brought you success?” or maybe “Are you completely out of your freaking mind?” Okay, minus the last one, but you get the idea.

You can engage in communication, disagree, yet still avoid conflict simply by asking a few questions and avoiding the use of the word “but”.

Argue if you want, but I’m going to focus on GO DO!™.